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Your Monthly Horoscope

Omagiu, Winter 2007
 
 
 
 
 

Aries: The discovery of a new partner this month will open up a whole new and exciting world of sexual experience. On the downside, you’ll also suffer bereavement. And I’m not entirely sure in which order these two events will take place.

Taurus: Your own criminally low sense of self-worth is to be the root cause of a long-term relationship break-up, reversing all the hard-won advances that Sarah helped you make over the past two years and plunging you into a period of depression from which you will almost certainly never recover.

Gemini: Having been followed by a strange man for the past seven days, it finally dawns on you that his dark sunglasses are actually heat-tracing goggles, and he’s noting down each and every time you break wind in public.
Cancer: “Born Under A Bad Sign” takes on a whole new meaning this month, following a routine health check.

Leo: Your smug assertion, made at a dinner party in 1993, of Baudrillard’s theory that that the Gulf War never took place comes back to haunt you this month, when the introduction of conscription finds you battling against insurgents in frontline Baghdad
Virgo: The new nanny’s protestations of innocence might fool your wife, but the discovery of a stash of Polaroids will really add weight to your case against her.

Libra: International relations with Putin’s Russia are sure to reach a new all-time-low when you’re found sealed inside a bakelite statuette in a key Moscow state department, along with several kilos of transmission equipment.
Scorpio: In the run up to your court hearing, it’s probably wise to avoid children’s playgrounds, primary schools, and the ball-pool area of the local Drive-Thru McDonalds restaurant between the hours of 09:45 and 09:53.

.Pisces: Being easy to love and difficult to fool can transform a partnership, especially when it transpires that you’re easy to fool and difficult to love.
Sagittarius: A lookalike of a previous partner, but with a very different character, will walk in to your life, though in the ensuing hail of shrapnel and bullets you’ll probably be too stunned to even notice.

Capricorn: This being a particularly lucky month, it could be an auspicious time to put those seven years of regular attendance at Gamblers Anonymous meetings behind you, and rediscover the nigh-on sexual allure of the fruit machine.

Aquarius: Your ruling planet Mercury will keep you full of ideas at work this month, so it’ll come as a blow to find out you’ve been sacked and replaced by an 1880’s piggy bank in the shape of black man who raises coins to his lips before ingesting them.