A B C of Sex
A could be for Anal. As one American porn exec put it, “Pussies are fake; anal is real”. However, thanks to porn industry overkill, we’ve become so de-sensitised to anal that I personally can’t maintain tumescence unless the porn starlet in question puts the member in her mouth afterwards. Hence our opener: A is for Ass-to-Mouth.
B is for Bukkake. If you don’t know what Bukkake is then you’ve probably been living in a cave for the last 10 years. It comes from the Japanese ‘to splash forcefully’ and some say it used to be a humiliating form of punishment for naughty lasses in ancient times. The more man milk, the better. Hitting the eye gives you extra points, just like in Zelda.
C is for Crush Fetish. Apparently Tarantino has this fetish, and that’s why you had to see that eyeball being trampled on in Kill Bill. This fetish entails someone stepping on random crap – vegetables seem to be popular. Fucking waste of good food if you ask me. Why step on it when you can stick it up your ass?
D is for DVDA, or ‘Double Vaginal, Double Anal’, the Holy Grail of group penetration. The problems involved are strictly practical, given that it’s very difficult to fit four grown men around one bottom, without the use of a complicated system of winches and pulleys. And come to think of it, the mental image all those ball-bags bouncing off each other like neutrons in a nuclear fission chamber has put me right off even trying.
E is for Exhibitionism. Getting your bits out and waving them at people is generally seen as the preserve of three-year olds and men in plastic raincoats. But let’s face it, deep down we’d all like to do it – especially if you're endowed with a proper, proper massive donger. If genital exposure were normalised, it could great for getting you out of otherwise problematic situations: "Jeremy, I know that under my leadership, equity has hit rock bottom and turnover is at its lowest in the past five years, but GET YOUR EYES ROUND THAT PURPLE-HEADED BAD-BOY…"
F is for Female Ejaculation. “Hey?!? But, like, girls don’t have spunk?!?” Girls don’t gush semen, doofus, it’s a fluid secreted by the paraurethral ducts and/or urethra. Like, get with the fucking programme. I take it as a personal slight on my bedroom performance if my partner doesn’t squirt an as-yet scientifically un-established fluid all over my pelvis at least once in the course of our rutting.
G is for Goatse. An internet legend, Goatse.cx was a shock site depicting a spectacled gentleman spreading his anus open to a size previously deemed impossible by modern science, presenting the viewer with a melange of lovely pinks and browns. Lots of people following the link thought they were going to see some puppies in a boot, or a pink baby in a flower pot. Yeah…
H is for Hooping. The act of blowing drugs into ones bum-crack-hole. Having done my fair share of mind expanding substances I can only presume that blowing powdered pills into the asshole is going to rapidly put a dampener on anyone’s sexual passion – the receiver will feel like the gates of hell have opened up in their rectum. If it itches like a motherfucker up the nose, up the ass it must be a fuck-fiesta of pain.
I is for Insertions. I’ve seen everything from a two litre bottle of water to a bald man’s head (honestly). Stretchy stretchy bang bang. The bigger the better.
J is for Jacking off in a kiddies playground. Don’t be such a fucking prude. We’ve all done it.
K is for Klismaphilia. If you’ve experimented with slipping a digit into your partner’s rectum during the Act of Darkness, then why not take things to their logical conclusion and perform a full enema on them. Works for both men and women, but men have the bonus of prostate gland stimulation. It can also be used for hygiene purposes prior to anal sex, but let’s be honest, if you find the thought of getting bits of poo on your knob disgusting, then anal really isn’t for you.
L is for Live Sex Shows. Never been to one, but you pay and see people shagging. A friend tells me the one he saw in Sao Paolo was more of a display of ‘fuck acrobatics’ where the couple would get into elastic positions, insert, thrust, and repeat a couple of times before changing. At the end you could fuck the lady in a skanky room. Perfect Friday night out.
M is for Machines, Fucking. Ladies! You know how you’ve always thought about sticking a dildo on that power drill your dad had, or how that mega pump from BricoStore could render your husband useless? Well, it works! Ah, the wonders of technology and super glue!
N is for Necrophilia. Sex with the dead. A bit weird, but never say never: if you were the mortician looking after the still-warm corpse of Marilyn Monroe, then let’s be honest, you probably would give it a go. As apparently they did. Repeatedly.
O is for Oldies. We’re not talking that thirty four year-old you accidentally pulled at the Roxy last week. We’re talking real wrinkly action. I’m so into Oldies at the moment that I can’t smell mothballs without my warrior being engorged to magnificent proportions, which can cause no end of problems when queuing for a Chicken Tikka sandwich at Marks and Spencers.
P is for Prolapse. What happens when you put too much effort into bum action. Basically, your bum goes inside out, so you can see you rectum dangling out like a piece of pink poo. Quite popular with the freaks, apparently.
Q is for Queers. Everyone loves queers, except for that section of the population who are so ashamed of their own latent homosexuality that they feel the need to loudly proclaim how ‘disgusting’ they find it. Homophobes generally love lesbians and hate fag men, which is ironic given that most lesbians look like Mark E Smith after a month-long bender, while most fags look like David Beckham on a really, really, really good day.
R is for Roman Helmet. Quite entertaining when tried out on your unsuspecting girlfriend. Wait till she’s doing something on the floor, like cleaning up your sick, then carefully sit on her head, letting your balls dangle over her forehead. Voila! Roman Helmet.
S is for Space Docking. A sexual act so improbably complicated that it absolutely has to be real. Now, in the heat of the moment, being seized by a dirty impulse to get down with a bit of shitty/pissy action is completely understandable. But to take a break from your love-making, squeeze out a turd of suitably solidity into a condom, rush to the kitchen cradling it in your arms like a little brown baby, place the turd in the freezer (watch the ice-tray!), wait for it to freeze, and then anally penetrate your partner with the resulting brown ice-pop… Surely, at some point the hilarious nature of your frozen-shit fantasy is going to come home to roost and you and your partner will find yourselves rolling around in brown-fingered hysterics on the kitchen floor…?
T is for Teabagging. An activity of zero sexual pleasure and only marginal amusement value. Why oh why oh why would you want to dunk your balls into a woman’s mouth, in the manner of an old lady dunking a rich-tea biscuit, unless to feel an empty pride in having ticked another box off your mental sexual checklist? Ladies: introduce an element of danger into this otherwise pointless activity by chomping your teeth shut at regular intervals, like those gates in ‘Prince of Persia’, testing your partner’s ability to whip them out at the last moment.
U is for under-age girls. Almost, almost worth that crushing sensation of guilt and utter utter worthlessness in the morning.
V is for Vacuum cleaner. You can either stick your privates into the vacuum cleaner (usually with tragic consequences) or stick the vacuum cleaner into your privates (ditto). However, if you’re in Japan, you can marvel at little ladies in big plastic bags, with a vacuum cleaner attached. Suck all the air out and watch her twitch, wriggle and writhe with no air to breathe. Definitely floats my boat!
W is for Wee Wee Sex, or, more properly put, Watersports. There’s an extensive list of hilariously named watersport positions, including ‘Cataracts of the Nile’ and ‘Log in the Amazon’. They’re all basically her pissing on you / you pissing on her / on the face / on genitals combos. The only real no-no is the man pissing into his partners cha-cha when fully inserted: said partner will be blown up like a pissy-yellow balloon before being fired off around the room by a powerful jet of urine squirting out of her inflated mimsy, much like Jerry in an X-rated Tom and Jerry cartoon.
X is for XXX. Apparently comes from the three Xs on the Amsterdam flag. Seems that the City of Amsterdam was built by a group of sexual deviants upon the remains of an ancient strip joint.
Y is for Yogoreta Shitagi. You must have heard about those vending machines in Japan where you can buy Kit Kats, used girls’ panties and Haribos. There’s a huge industry for this fetish, be it sweaty panties, poopy panties or wee wee panties. I can just imagine the factory where they produce these second-hand lingerie items, full of fat old Japs in little girls knickers, prancing about like fairies.
Z is for Zoophilia. When I was at school, Animal Farm didn’t mean the George Orwell novel, but a porn flick of legendary status among us schoolboys. In the film, Danish porn star Bodil Joensen apparently fucks a number of animals – including pigs, horses and chickens. Knowing that chickens made it into the line up has really whetted my interest in tracking the film down, if only to see how it is possible for a woman to have intercourse with a living, clucking hen. I mean, really, have you ever tried even catching a hen? It sounds more like Benny Hill than extreme porn.