In theory, Orsova sounds like an unlikely destination. It’s a dull provincial town, whose old centre was flooded when the Iron Gates dam was constructed, so expect a lot of horrible modern buildings. However, thanks to its location, it makes an ideal starting point for exploring the truly spectacular Iron Gates gorges..

In an effort to try to get ships up and down the Danube safely, people have spent the last few hundred years trying to tame this section of the river. Much of the 1890s was spent dynamiting annoying bits of rock that had a habit of dragging sailors to their death, and then in the 1970s, the Iron Gates dam flooded the most impressive stretches of the river. However, despite such efforts, the gorges remain truly spectacular, with the towering cliffs on either side of you making for an unforgettable car – or bike – journey. The stretch between Orsova and the monastery at Kazanele Mici will have you attempting to park on impossibly dangerous curbs so that you can get out and point at the scenery, mouth agog, like a dazed Japanese tourist.           

  Driving along this stretch might make you feel like you’re living in a car advert, but the best way to travel is definitely by boat. Get one of the locals to take you on a trip up to the Kazanele Mici, previously one of the most feared stretches of the river, due to the whirlpools and vortexes. Even today, the waters rise up in small whirlpools where the bank close in on each other, lying just 150 metres apart. Try and get the locals to tell you gory stories of the people who tried to swim across to get to Serbia, before the revolution.

While normal people will be content with the scenery alone, those borderline psychotics among you who enjoy sitting in solitude pointing sticks at aquatic fauna will probably wet your trousers at the prospect of the fishing to be done here. The man who took us out on his boat told stories of a six-metre (yes, six metre) Somn that was disturbed from a primeval snooze at the bottom of the lake. Apparently our fisherman friend caught a huge one, which, when they cut it open, contained a man’s hand. A true story? Or a tale to frighten gullible, wide-eyed foreigners? I’m not sure – but it certainly made me reconsider going for a quick swim…

Downstream from Orsova, you hit Drobeta-Turnu Severin. The only real reason for visiting is to see the last two remaining pillars of Apolodor’s famous bridge and the vaguely interesting museum nearby. Further downstream, you hit the Iron Gates Dam itself. If you ask nicely, they’ll let you into the museum housed inside the dam, which contains a few remaining bits from the Turkish island of Ada Kaleh. Once an exotic maze of Bazaars, the tiny island was flooded when the dam was built, along with at least five other villages. A legislative anomaly allowed a small Turkish population to live here, free from customs and taxes, generally enjoying themselves. It’s probably a good thing that they flooded the place – if it still existed it’d be full of criminally boring tax-exiles like Phil Collins and Sting.

Teenagers get into trouble for spraying their name on walls. However, when you’re a multi-million dollar businessman, you can do pretty much the same thing on a massive scale and get away with it. Iosif Constantin Drăgan, it seems, wasted over one million dollars on a rather expensive piece of self-aggrandizement – of course, I’m talking about the sculpture of Decebal’s face, carved into the rock near the Kazanele Mici. "DECEBAL REX - DRAGAN FECIT" ("King Decebal - Made by Drăgan") reads the inscription below the rather crudely carved face. This is 1) a rather egotistical juxtaposition of names, given that one man is an utterly forgettable businessman, and the other is a famous Dacian warrior king, and 2) not strictly correct. Did you actually make the carving, Domnu’ Dragan? Were you out there in all weathers, carving Decebal’s nostrils out of solid rock, trying to avoid getting your hand bitten off by six-metre Somn? I doubt it. Actually, given how crude the sculpture actually looks, he probably did do it all by himself, so maybe he has every write to carve his name under it in letters the size of a small child