Every year, I always pretend that it’s the last year ever that I’ll go to Vama Veche. But, with the predictability of criminal locked into an inevitable cycle of re-offending, every year I return to the place, always returning to Bucharest with a nagging sense of disappointment. This year I managed to hold out. I decided to boycott the place (which now, apparently, attracts more tourists than Constanta) and set out to recreate the joys of Vama in the comfort of my own bedroom. It’s really quite simple. I spread a bag of sand over my parquet, and spent the weekend walking round my apartment, naked, picking cigarette-buts from between my toes. In the evening, I played The Bear Necessities at moderate volume, depriving myself of a good nights sleep. And, to complete the effect, I arranged for my next-door neighbour, Dna Rodica, to knock on my door intermittently to ask if I had 10 mii for the bus to Mangalia.
However, the most integral part of the Vama Veche experience has to be the music. It might have looked as though I was engaged in senseless heavy drinking, but in fact, for the last few years I’ve been visiting Vama with the sole purpose of conducting a serious sociological study into the distinctive ‘Vama Veche Sound’. After much painstaking research, the results of the study can now be made public. Here are, then, is the definitive top-ten for recreating that elusive Vama Veche experience in the comfort of your own home:
1) The Bear Necessities by Bagheera the Panther, Baloo the bear and Mowgli the boy-child. DJs spend lots of time, effort and money trying to find tracks that will make the dancefloor explode in a frenzy of excitement, make complete strangers passionately embrace one and get girls dancing on tables. They shouldn’t bother. The results of my in-depth study are absolutely conclusive and indubitable – the most explosive dance record of all time is… The Bear Necessities. Don’t believe me? Just watch, next time you’re in Vama Veche, at about 01:45. It’s a truly wonderful sight – hordes of holiday makers, singing along with an animated bear and a black panther. Not only is it a work of genius, it also has echoes of Nietzsche and Kant in its profundity– “Look for the bear necessities”. It’s a distillation of millennia of philosophy, encapsulated in a simple pithy maxim. Make it your own personal mantra.
2) Yo Cousin Vinne, by Joe Pesci. Prior to coming to Vama Veche, I’d sadly been denied the joys of this work of genius, performed by the Hollywood funny-man better known for stabbing his victims with a ballpoint pen when people don’t laugh at his jokes. Perhaps that’s why everyone feels obliged to dance…?
3) Swing the Mood by Jive Bunny. Perhaps you don’t recognise the title, but you’ll recognise the track – a mix of all the best-loved hits of the ‘40s and ‘50s, including ‘Rock around the clock’ and “The Twist”. Guaranteed to have teenagers in Megadeth T-shirts trying to swing their partners under their legs and other complex rock-n-roll style dance-moves in the sand.
3) By the Way by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. A defining Vama Veche anthem, guaranteed to get slightly drunk copywriters from multinational advertising agencies playing air guitar.
4) Hasta Siempre Comandante Che Guevara. Any of the numerous version of this song will do. It doesn’t really matter – the result is the same. Brand managers for soft drinks manufactures are sure to take to the tables to sing along with a song lauding a man who would no doubt have had the lot of them shot.
5) I got my mind set on you by George Harrison. The musical equivalent of walking through treacle. Inexplicably makes people dance.
6) Insane in the Membrane by Cyprus Hill. Vama Veche hippies might pretend to listen to Bob Dylan and Jim Morrison, but play this and you’ll get them throwing gang signs like they grew up dealing crack in the Bronx.
7) Suicidal Blonde by Inxs. A track which mixes seamlessly (and is inevitably followed by…)
8) She Drives Me Crazy by the Fine Young Canibals
10) Kalashnikov by Goran Bregovic.
9) Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba. “I get knocked down… but I get up again..” A drinking song written by anarcho-socialists from the North of England, one of whom vaguely knew my hippy parents. Do I win a prize?
Written on the road, Feist’s latest LP is a glittering combination of joyious 60s pop and classic singer-songwriter stuff. She used to sing with the achingly fashionable indie-rock outfit Broken Social Scene, and she certainly wins extra points for the people who collaborate on ‘The Reminder’. Gonzales, Mocky and Jamie Lidell (who the kids from Rokolective brought to Romania for an unforgettable concert) all put in guest appearances. Beautiful, effortless and fragile music that sounds like sitting in a deep warm bubble bath in a dark room.