Once again, Romanian TV has furnished me with inspiration. While recently watching a certain TV show (which will remain nameless), involving the mothers and fathers of chronically ill children desperately attempting to win the money that could restore their loved ones to health, I started to think. Romania is full of people with problems, and, let’s be honest, we’re just not making enough use of them. People talk about wasting the county’s resources, but nobody is considering the most important resource of them all: poor people in desperate circumstances, willing to do anything for cash on national television.

Ok, so there’s a few chat shows on which people can go and talk about their problems to a patronising presenter wearing a permanent smile that would curdle milk, but the viewing public don’t want sympathy – they want humiliation, challenges, cash prises, danger, suspense – and I plan to give it to them. I’ve decided that my future undoubtedly lies in Television. Here’re just a few shows that I’ve been working on, and which could be coming to a screen near you in the near future.

For a start, forget about programmes involving the mothers of crippled children dancing in the hope of winning cash prizes. Anybody can dance for a sick child. But would they break the law? – that’s the question. In ‘Breakin’ The Law’, four mums and dads of terminally ill children will be introduced to the public, probably by Andrea Marin or someone equally condescending. Next, I take the nervous parents off to a Bucharest location where they will be presented with a series of challenges, arranged in reverse order of illegality. To start off with they’ll be given fairly basic things to do: a bit of graffiti, shouting obscenities at a police officer, petty theft, that sort of thing. But as the show progresses, the parents have to decide where to draw the line in hoping to save their child: would they hospitalise a senior citizen? Engage in humiliating and illegal sexual acts on live TV? That’s the big question! And remember, there can only be one winner: we’d simply play until there’s one couple left. Nobody can say that we’re forcing them to do anything, since they’d be free to pull out at any time. In fact, as the presenter I’d be sure to come across as a moral crusader, like that man on the show ‘Cheaters’: always trying to look disgusted, but deep down in secret throes of ecstasy over watching other people fuck up.

What else does Romania have lots of? Corruption! My second show, “Justice Island”, involves an entertaining way of bypassing the judicial system, which nobody really had any faith in anyway. Instead, we’re going to hand the power of law over to the feeble-minded, gullible, entertainment-hungry viewing public. Think ‘Big Brother’ meets ‘Apocalypse Now’ and you’ll be somewhere close. The idea is simple: I’ll take two high profile corruption cases – say, Adrian Nastase and Dinu Patriciu – and fly the two of them to a desert island. They’ll have a wide array of weapons – knives, spears, hunting rifles – at their disposal, and will be turned loose into the jungle, running about naked, their every move being watched by my Jungle TV-cams. I’d probably also hover above them in a helicopter, trying to put them off their survival skills and goading them into making incriminating statements about their trial ("Cat e termopanul, Nastase? Cat e?*). For an additional element of interactivity, viewers get to vote on whether to introduce a high-profile crime fighter onto the island, to hunt down the hapless duo in the next episode of the show. Will it be Monica Macovei with a flame-thrower? Or Ticu Dumitrescu controlling a huge mechanical robot with lasers for eyes? Either way, the show ends with the looser dying an excruciating death, while the surviving competitor has their corruption file closed and gets to return home. Who said there’s no justice in this world?

If you happen to work for any of the major TV stations, I’ll be waiting for your call…

*Ex-Prime Minster Nastaste was involved in some corruption scandal involving the cost of double glazing for some huge villa. He's being tried for corruption as we speak.