Sting is such a compassionate person, he just can't help but share the love. This is a man who literally lives for human catastrophe. Famine? Earthquake? Plague? Cats up trees? You can be sure Sting will be there, hovering above the masses in his specially constructed Sting-o-Copter (which is presumably painted like a giant bumble-bee) and showering signed copies of his latest single onto the half-emaciated bodies below.

When he's not practicing tantric sex with his ghastly wife Trudie Styler, there's nothing that Sting (real name Steven Stingsworth) likes to do than alleviate human suffering. He's already announced that he's to generously donate half a million dollars to the victims of a catastrophe that hasn't even happened yet! “At some point in 2005,” Sting (real name Martin Stingy) announced at a press conference, “there is sure to be a terrible human disaster, involving the loss of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of innocent lives. I'm guessing that this could be an earthquake, though at this point I'm not entirely sure - it could potentially be a bloody civil war. Either way, I'm so certain that I'll be hugely shocked and moved by the scale of the tragedy, that I'll just have to act. I'll be so moved, in fact, that I've already decided to donate a tiny fraction of my impressive fortune to the soon-to-be victims,” the singer explained, struggling to hold back the tears.

I joke, of course. However, it's hardly an implausible suggestion, given the enthusiasm with which pop stars embrace the smallest opportunity to display their caring, sharing side. Like politicians and babies, aging pop stars and human tragedies are a reassuringly familiar combination.

However, when it comes to compassion, move over Sting (real name Sting), and make way for the winner of the “Bleeding Heart on his Sleeve Award 2005”… Mr Bono. Not busy enough writing formulaic pop-rock songs for U2 and collecting obscenely expensive pairs of sunglasses, Irishman Bono (real name Edward de Bono ) has to fill his time rallying world leaders around the noble causes of third world debt relief, AIDS and global climate change. Of course, we might be inclined to take Bono a little more seriously if he wasn't the kind of egoist who had his hat flown halfway around the world (in first class, no less) because he forgot it at home and couldn't possibly perform without it. Presumably Bono isn't aware that commercial airlines are one of the largest contributors to Greenhouse gasses, producing more CO2 than the entire African continent.

A pop star with a conscience is a great idea in theory. However, it's one which quickly turns out to be a clever marketing trick in a bid to get us to buy more of the rubbish they're producing. Companies learned long ago that looking caring and impassioned is a great way of branding their products. Take a look, for example, at the great fast-food pariah, McDonalds, and their Justin McTimberlake penned slogan, “I'm lovin' it”. Now, I don't know if you've been to McDonalds recently, but last time I went there wasn't a whole lot of love between the spotty, underpaid and over-worked students running the place and the unappetising fare they were serving.

So come on, Sting. Own up, Bono. Stop pretending to be normal human beings. You're much more fun when you're drug-crazed and dysfunctional. Can't you try to be a little more like Britney…?